please get out of my head. thanks.

i actually thought that i could do this. not think about him, wonder how he's doing, or wondering if he even thinks about me. my life is absolutely wonderful right now...but it would be even better if i'd have had him to share it with, too.
why do we have to lose things we love in order to find the most wonderful things in life?
if i hadn't done this, i wouldn't have found somebody who actually loves me and cares about me. somebody who won't take me for granted.
and for the first few days, that was all i needed...the thought of him didn't even cross my mind. i didn't care if i hurt him, made fun of him, and i desperately just wanted to make his life hell...like he'd made mine hell for the longest time.
but then, now, i can't help but want to talk to him, see him. i do still want to make him feel like i felt. but that's nearly impossible, and even with all the things he's done to me in the past few years...i can't erase the partnership we had, the wonderful and amazing things that came from our being a "dynamic duo", in so many ways.
and a part of me feels guilty. because i do love my boyfriend. he makes me so happy. but if i still had the best friend, the protector i used to have, the man in my life who could shelter me like a big brother, a friend who i could tell anything and everything to...i would have the world. and i shouldn't need him. i have someone real now.
and i'm just upset because i don't know if i'll ever get him back.
the worst part is that he doesn't understand why i left. he didn't comprehend what i was feeling...it wasn't just jealousy and anger...it was frustration, caring, love, anger, loneliness, neglect, under-appreciation...i wish i could have left his life with him understanding that. i hate just leaving him with the wrong interpretation of what i said.
i didn't really care anymore that he had a girlfriend. it was when i didn't matter enough to merit a small phone call within a timeframe of a YEAR...no real conversations, empty promises and empty eyes, on his part.
but he just sees me as a high-maintenance, has-been girl he knew a long time ago, and cared about back then...and somebody who won't leave now that he doesn't need her anymore.
if i didn't have my boyfriend...and my amazing friends...i may not have been able to handle this. i think i have angels surrounding me. they're the people who genuinely care for me.
i just wish i hadn't wasted years of my life on somebody who used me for his own purposes.

love,
its the wave i ride,
that won't ever reach the shore.
overwhelmed by the tide and wanting nothing more,
tonight.
than to take this time and make it all mine.
its coming around again.
every now and again sometimes,
i get lost on the wind of a dream.
the air gets clean and the seas get wide.
and i can do anything.
the pain it won't even cross my mind.
there is wonder in everything.
the rope gets loose and the chains unbind.
and i can do anything.
hope,
its the light that strikes,
that burns inside of me.
its a blinding light,
but somehow i can see, again.
when i've lost my way.
its becoming very clear.
and its coming around again.
every now and again sometime,
i get lost on the wind of a dream.
the air gets clean and the seas get wide and i can do anything.
the pain it won't even cross my mind.
there is wonder in everything.
the rope gets loose, and the chains unbind.
and i can do anything.
somewhere between the darkness and the light.
my spirit takes to fly.
the colors fill the sky,
and i am free, oh ohh.
its coming around again.
its coming around again.
its coming around again.
every now and again sometimes,
i get lost on the wind of a dream.
the air gets clean and the seas get wide
and i can do anything.
the pain it won't even cross my mind.
there is wonder in everything.
the rope gets loose, the chains unbind.
and i can do anything.
every now and again sometimes,
i get lost on the wind of a dream
the rope gets loose, the chains unbind.
and i can do anything.

if i could go back in time...
i'd have said 'i love you' more.
if i could go back in time...
i'd have held on a little bit longer.
if i could go back in time...
i'd have known when to stop pretending i didn't care.
if i could go back in time...
i'd have listened to my head, instead of my heart.
if i could go back in time...
i'd have seen it coming before it came.
if i could go back in time...
i'd have stopped it before it began.
if i could go back in time...
i wouldn't have believed you.
if i could go back in time...
i'd have slapped you instead of held you.
if i could go back in time...
i'd have yelled instead of comforted when you cried.
if i could go back in time...
i never would have bought that piano book.
if i could go back in time...
i never would have worn my hair down, and looked in the mirror, thinking of you in a cape and mask, with a red rose in your hand.
if i could go back in time...
i wouldn't have sung with you, and felt how your voice fit into mine.
if i could go back in time...
we wouldn't have gotten best-at-site, or "had a baby" every saturday.
if i could go back in time...
i never would have given you a second thought.
if i could go back in time...
i never would have stopped hating you in the first place.
if i could go back in time...
i wouldn't have put the pictures back up on the wall after the first time, because i knew it was over even then.

because hating you now feels like hating myself.

i don't wonder anymore. the only thing i wonder about is why i was so blind before.

SAM'S FANTASTIC JUNIOR YEAR SUMMER THING!! [pt I]

i've decided to further my documentation of SAM'S FANTASTIC JUNIOR YEAR SUMMER THING!! square that woot, i have the most exciting life on the face of the earth. [and by exciting, i mean, 'you might want to find another way to spend five minutes of your life span, rather than reading my blog'...because i'm almost positive my blog takes a few years OFF your life span anyway.


to start off the fantastic-ness of SAM'S FANTASTIC JUNIOR YEAR SUMMER THING!!, i have now become a certified lifeguard, have three jobs lined up, and have had enough drama in the past week than most teens would be excited to have in their entire lives. i'm special, i guess.
so, on top of having cool-ass jobs at assorted pools and with two amazingly fantasic kids, i am one of two of the luckiest itchbays on this planet.
I'M GONNA SEE THE FRAY TOMORROW!
me and jilly bean are taking our endeavors for great rock music to the target center. OkGo, Mae, and The FRAY (haha it's our RHYME! SWEET!)
i can't even contain my excitement. i've been bragging for three months straight.


i also audition for Bye Bye, Birdie! at the Hutch Theatre Company on the 12th, which should be a pretty exciting experience for this aspiring actress. (i'm just hyper dramatic)
so yeah. that's all the excitingly sweet stuff, not counting me and ben getting violated at the Hairball concert last night and ending up covered in beer. why only me and ben got that lucky lot, only God knows.

Moosic

I figured, hey, I'd start off with some quotes from my favorite songs to start out. :]

I'm Sam, and this is the DEEP END.

I'm just a curbside prophet, got my hand in my pocket, and i'm waiting for my rocket to come. [Jason Mraz.]

Never take friendship♥ personal. You can't hold yourself together, why should i hold you now? [Anberlin.]

I'm speaking figuratively, of course, like the last time that i commited suicide...

social suicide. Yes, so i'm already dead, on the inside, but i can still pretend...with my memories and photographs, i've learned to love the lie. ♥ [Motion City Soundtrack.]

Time will pass you by. [run kid run.]

Watch the stars, they're ours. Make a wish. [Mae.]♥

I feel as if i'm looking at the world from the bottom of a well. [Mike Doughty.]

tell me i should stick around for you...tell me i could have it all.

i'm still too tired to care. [stone sour.]

wait for me...

the closer i come to you, the closer i am to finding God

you're a miracle to me. ♥ [anberlin.]